a surrender - 49

(Continuing "a surrender", chapter six, "there are no heroes in the kingdom of God")

I had come to be a hero, and in less than a year I had been reduced to nothing. It felt like utter failure. But I don’t think it actually was, any more than that dark moment in the monastery garden had been a failure. The power of God comes through surrender, the surrender of the broken. And at that moment I was much closer to surrender again than when I had arrived at that house. It was true that I had miserably little to give. But God had much to give. I was starting to realize that if I was really going to help anyone, it wouldn’t be by my heroic efforts. It would be by telling and showing them the truth. So they could be helped in the same way I was being helped. It would be by pointing them to the power of God, like Jesus did. There’s nothing heroic about that. There are no heroes in the kingdom of God.

A month later, Heather and I were preparing to leave. After a long correspondence, we were going to the retreat house I had read about. Then there was a knock at the front door, and someone asked for me. And there was Richard and Cassie on the porch again. They were smiling. They had jobs now, and a place to live. They had heard we were leaving and wanted to stop by and say thank you. I was happy for them. I didn’t know if they would really make it this time, but I hoped they would. It didn’t feel to me like there was much to thank me for. But I was grateful to them for coming to tell me their good news.

Heather and I liked the retreat house. After more than two years together, we thought we might finally have found a place where we could live and start a family. One night we danced round and round under the bright moon, we were so hopeful. But after two weeks there, the couple that ran the place sat us down. They told us, in astonishingly harsh and accusing terms, all the things we had done wrong. And there would be no chance for us to try to understand and improve. We had to go. We were so shocked that both of us started crying right there, while they were still talking.

The next day, I remembered another community we had visited, like the one where Heather and I met, only it was way out in the country, on a farm. I suddenly thought that would be a good place to start a retreat house.

 

Continued...