trembling revisited

I'm feeling this way again (this is an entry from a year ago):
Not sure how to begin with this one. I feel like I'm looking at things at the farm differently now. Before, I saw some weakening organizational structures and thought this might be an opening for change, for trying something interesting, for taking a chance on something more radical. But things got weaker and shakier, and people got more worried. Now I look at it and don't wonder about the possibility of change, I see the structures starting to crumble and wonder how long they will last. And then nervously wonder about what will happen if they don't.

I guess it's similar in a way to the serious challenges our financial systems are facing. I know people (myself included) who criticized the system as unjust and oppressive and hoped it would be brought down. But to get a glimpse of its actual collapse is pretty scary.

It makes me aware of how much I'd been expecting these structures to be there, even as I lamented them and criticized them. Maybe I even have relied on them being there. I know I feel pressure to save them, even though I don't agree with them. I'm not sure how much I want to save them for my own security, or maybe it's for the sake of the other people who rely on them. I realize that I should depend on God and not these human organizations. And I have a hard time getting up the motivation to take any leadership when I don't really believe in what's being done. But what will happen if they fall?

...I think I need to resist the urge to try to save the structures. The real church, the body of Christ is not in jeopardy, God insures that. I need to make my choices reflect that truth.

Also, where are the anawim whenever there is a social crisis like this? They are not the ones scrambling to hold things together. They are not the ones engineering society. They may well be the ones who suffer the most physically, but it's not the burden of responsibility that they suffer under. They are like the children in the family when there is a crisis. And they know who is truly the Father.