"it is enough"

Despite the wedding, it was a rough weekend. Bob (the man with muscular dystrophy who I help care for) had a freak accident and fell and broke his leg. That meant surgery and hospital time and complications and lots of extra work and stress for all of us.

And in the midst of this, at the wedding I saw some people from Plow Creek farm (where I've been hoping to start a retreat place). I talked with one of the women, and she mentioned my retreat idea, but then made it sound like it probably wasn't going to work. Not so much because of the project itself, but because we (or I) didn't seem right for Plow Creek. It was implied that I didn't "fit in." This really shook me. Because I knew it was a long shot and would only have a chance if there was good community support, and now it seemed that at least some of the people were already against our (or my) coming. This surprised me since I thought the time Heather and I spent there last summer was very good and well-appreciated.

I felt very dark after that. Because I don't really have another idea of where to go next. And I wondered if Heather and I really don't have a chance, or even if I was closing doors for her. That was an extremely painful thought.

I even remembered the story of Elijah wishing he were dead. Then Sunday, it was read at church:

Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had slain all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, "So may the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow."

Then he was afraid, and he arose and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree; and he asked that he might die, saying, "It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am no better than my fathers."

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree; and behold, an angel touched him, and said to him, "Arise and eat." And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank, and lay down again. And the angel of the LORD came again a second time, and touched him, and said, "Arise and eat, else the journey will be too great for you." And he arose, and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb the mount of God. (1 Kings 19)

It seemed like the end for Elijah, but his adventures were not over. Perhaps it is the same for me and Heather. But I can't imagine the way forward; I don't even know what to prepare for or work toward. And I feel very alone (Heather is out of communication right now).

Maybe, though, this is God's way of showing that all people (and their communities) are a vain hope, and that he alone is our hope and security. I'd like to be the servant that trusts that completely. And I'd like to think God has another adventure for me yet.