a surrender - 14

(Continuing "a surrender," chapter two, "the power of the people and the power of God")

All of these seemed to me good reasons for Jesus to avoid this kind of power. He seemed to be focused on clearly speaking the truth, not worrying about pleasing his supporters. And he wasn’t trying to get their money. So Jesus didn’t have wealth or political power, he didn’t have “the power of the people.” But he seemed to have power. He spoke with great wisdom and was known as an amazing healer, he had a powerful effect on people who met him, and religious and government leaders were afraid of him. It was becoming clear to me, though, that Jesus’ power was different. It didn’t seem to come from people. It came from God. His power didn’t require compromising the truth, it couldn’t be used for evil, and it was a power that didn’t corrupt. Or end.

I didn’t know if it was possible, but if I could be supported by this power, the power of God, rather than the power of a big organization, that’s what I wanted. But how would I find out? It probably wouldn’t be by becoming “part of something bigger than myself,” if the “something” was an organization built by people. That shift in my thinking probably contributed to the increasing disagreements and tensions that arose for me in the seminary. In the end, the choice was made for me. When my membership review came up, after two years in the seminary, I was told that it had been a close vote, but it had been decided that I would not be continuing my training with the Dominicans. I just “wasn’t fitting in.”

Then, in the days that followed, I recalled something. When I was first visiting the Dominicans, during one of the gatherings, someone had read the story of Jesus walking on the water. In that story, Peter, a follower of Jesus, asks if he can walk on the water too. Jesus tells him to come. So Peter steps out of the boat and begins to walk to Jesus. But then he sees the wind and the waves. Perhaps it hits him then, as he gets farther from the boat, that what he is trying to do is impossible. He starts to sink, and cries out. Then Jesus reaches out his hand and lifts Peter up. And he says to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

I remembered thinking at the time that there might be something important for me in that story. Crossing a lake in a boat is the normal way it’s done. The security of the boat is like the security of our organizations, that have been well-built and relied on by many people before us. But then Jesus appears. Walking on the water. At the time I thought, yes, that’s what I want. I want to walk on the water too.

I was too scared, though. So I got in the boat.

Now I found myself pushed out of the boat. And Jesus was still there. I still wanted to start walking like he did. I just didn’t know if it was possible.

Continued...