a surrender - 6

(Continuing "a surrender," chapter one, "surrender")  

In the months that followed our deployment, while the carrier was in the shipyard for repairs and upgrades, the tension inside me grew. It seemed more and more clear to me that Jesus lived in an unexpected, unusual way. He did not seem to use threats of force or violence to achieve his goals. He did not seem interested in making money either. And, while he gained quite a popular following for a while, he did not seem interested in using that popularity. He seemed to care very little about popularity or telling people what they wanted to hear, but simply and fearlessly told people the truth. He seemed to only care about sharing this truth, the truth from God. As I came to understand Jesus’ way more clearly, it seemed to me not only in tension with the demands of being a military officer, but also in tension with the demands of the rest of society as well. This fit with my observation that military life wasn’t so different from civilian life, just more clear and honest about what was necessary to live that life. But Jesus seemed to think that violence and money and popular support weren’t so necessary. Only God’s support was necessary. Could this be true, I wondered? I knew almost everyone would tell me no. Not in this world. In heaven, they’d say, yes—but this isn’t heaven. Yet I still found Jesus’ life deeply compelling, and if it was possible to live like he did in this time and place, I really wanted to. I had to know if it was possible.

Slowly an idea began to take shape in my head. I had gradually become convinced that I couldn’t be a good officer and follow Jesus’ way of life too. I had to choose. But I couldn’t imagine how to live a life like Jesus lived, in a practical sense. The closest thing I could come up with was the life of monks in a monastery, who I had been reading about in my books on contemplative spirituality. They seemed to be cut off from the rest of society, living a sheltered life, and so were able to be nonviolent and poor and devoted to God like Jesus was. So I began to imagine myself running away and joining a monastery. 

The more I thought about it, the more real it became in my mind. The timing seemed good. I was not in charge of a division of men at that time, but was starting to study for an engineering exam, so my responsibilities were few. If I left, it wouldn’t burden anyone in my division very much. Of course I would have to leave the country, because the Navy would certainly be looking for me. But I had recently visited England, during the deployment, and I thought I could probably get along fine there. The worst part was that I would have to cut off contact with my family, at least for a while. I didn’t want them to get in trouble because of what I had done, so they couldn’t know where I had gone. But maybe, I thought, after a few years, the Navy wouldn’t be looking for me anymore and I could connect with my family again. I would just disappear into a monastery. And the monks would understand, wouldn’t they? Hadn’t they all rejected the ways of society to live their sheltered religious life? Maybe it could work.

Continued...