"my soul waits"

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the LORD
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning. (Ps 130.5-6)

I came across these lines in my prayers this morning, and they reminded me of my recent thoughts on waiting. The feeling of waiting has become intense right now. The specific things I have been waiting for these past six months (Heather's return and our meeting with the folks at Plow Creek farm) seem very close. Yet now it seems unlikely that my (our) waiting will end soon. I'm a little scared to find out what will stretch out before us.

Several times during these past months I've grown concerned about all my waiting. It seems like most of my life has been a time of waiting for one thing or another. Is that a bad sign? Aren't I supposed to arrive at some point? Is my whole life going to be spent waiting? And, if so... how can I expect Heather to join me in that?

The other part that concerns me is that I've believed (and spoken) so much about the kingdom of God being present, here now, right now. And, again and again, I've experienced the feeling of fulfillment. But also the constant feeling of waiting. How can this be? Am I deceiving myself?


This morning at breakfast, I noticed these words as they were read:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the conviction of things not seen. (Heb 11.1)

Of course I've heard them many times before. But they seemed more important now, emphasizing that faith means an assurance of things not yet seen or possessed. That we cannot trust in God for what we already have, for needs already met, but only for needs not yet met, for the things we wait for. To remain in faith necessarily means to remain in waiting.

I don't mean this in the sense of waiting for heaven or waiting for Jesus to return and wipe out evil one day. And I'm not thinking of waiting in a purely spiritual sense, waiting to eventually experience God fully. I mean something much more immediate and concrete. I mean waiting to see where your next meal will come from. Waiting for the chance to do the work you dream of. Or be with the person you dream of. Waiting to find out if the community will accept or reject you. Waiting to see what will happen to you when they do reject you...

Maybe this waiting is supposed to be a daily, life-long experience. And maybe it exists along with Jesus' present kingdom of God. Because even if today's bread has been richly provided, tomorrow's need still remains.

I have no complaints about what has been given to me. It's much more than I asked or expected. But knowing I can't hold onto it, that I could lose it all so quickly (even that it sometimes looks very likely that I will lose it all), makes it increasingly difficult to wait. Perhaps that's the point. Increasingly difficult lessons in waiting. So that gradually I may learn faith, waiting for the Lord.