the pilgrim way

I was feeling down yesterday. Very discouraged about our chances of actually being able to work something out with Plow Creek. The closer it gets the more unlikely it looks. Heather called from France just in time to revive my spirits. She recently received two unexpected donations, sizeable ones, right when she was wondering how her needs would be met during the next month, as she makes the transition back here. And it was comforting and reassuring just to hear her voice again.

It was also reassuring to find that Auden poem that I quoted yesterday. It expressed my feelings so well. Both that it looks so much like "the pilgrim way" is leading to a dead end, and that I am desperate for a miracle.

But despite these feelings, and despite my intentions (for almost two years now) to find a stable place for Heather and me, I'm still haunted by the image of the Christian life as a pilgrimage. I keep remembering the talk I gave at Plow Creek farm last summer. It was about how "being home" means being with God, so we don't need to be tied to a certain place or property for our security, but are able to be at home anywhere. We don't need to be defensive or possessive about our home, because it cannot be taken from us. It was a pilgrim's message.

And now, going back to the farm, I'm still trying to walk the pilgrim way. I'm still trying to live without the security of property, or a stable income, or the committed dependence on human institutions. Because Jesus stepped away from these, and taught that true security lies elsewhere. But how can I expect others to embrace this also, with all the risks involved, and the obvious conclusion (as Auden wrote) that it leads to the Abyss?

It would take a miracle. At Plow Creek, or wherever else I present myself.

Of course, I didn't expect Heather to embrace it either, but she has (and when I waver I even hear her urging me on). Miracles do happen. And I guess I can think of worse things than having to live by miracles...