"our lives had become unmanageable"

The first step in the AA program is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

I've been identifying with that over the last several days, not the alcohol part but the part about my life feeling unmanageable. I had come to the point where I felt I couldn't stay here any longer and then I had to stay. So I'm changing the way I live and work here. But that also makes everything seem strange, and I'm not sure I can change it enough to make the next six months a good experience. And on top of that I'm getting involved with something totally unknown, to prepare for a future that I really don't know will work out. Which also makes it feel like my future with Heather (and a family) is shaky. That's a lot to try to manage.

But I'm beginning to admit that a big part of why I wanted to leave was to get away from my failures here. I had firmly intended to come in and not take on running this place. I didn't want to become the benefactor or take control over people's lives. I wanted to just add what I could, but not become the authority in this place. But somehow I did it anyway. With very painful results (as I've written over the past month). And I knew coming in that I was called to focus on the spiritual life, to some form of preaching; I had even written last summer that I wanted to come here to learn to share God's good news better with the poor. But somehow the material helping took over. I've been critical of this place (which I think is still valid to some extent) but I knew a lot of that stuff was going on and still let myself become a part of it. That's my fault and no one else's. Caused by my pridefulness and desire to find security before God had given it.

I feel like I'm starting over here. Or at least I need to try to. The first step is a meeting today, where I'm going to see if I can step back from being part of the decision-making here. And now that I'm not watching the house every night, I need to figure out new ways to contribute. Working with the AA material (I also found an Al-Anon group to go to) might provide more learning on how to do spiritual work with the poor. But I'm beginning to see that trying again here, even if it is awkward and uncomfortable, is better than just leaving. Perhaps that's what God wanted me to see.